In the mean time…

Often times poetry is the only outlet for me to release my inner feelings. I usually only write when I'm mad or upset, but sometimes when things are inspiring enough I am able to get out a good poem or two. Most of my poems are a tad bit depressing in some people's opinions, however it's how I feel. I first started getting into poetry when I was younger. I really don't remember where the interest came from but it stuck with me. My senior year of high school two of my friends worked at a local open mic as DJs. They invited me to one of the events and I was hooked. From then on every Wednesday I spent my evenings in this small cafe listening to some of the best poems I've ever heard. All of the poets were good in their own way, but sometimes it was as if some of them had reached inside of my heart and spoke the very words I was feeling that day. Going to this event every week inspired me to start putting my thoughts on to paper. I personally don't consider the things that I write poems, just visible thoughts. Whatever you want to call it, here it goes (excuse the grammatical and spelling errors):

 

u know...kinda like when u feel like u should say something,
but you fear it will mess up a good thing,
but u also think "how could things get any worse"
then u remember what life was like b4 them...
and you wonder if you'll regret what u said after you say it,
though u hope it won't bcuz u need the weight lifted off ur heart...
yep...that's where I am

Behind closed doors...
she walks around with her head lowered, avoiding eye contact
fearing that their eyes will pierce rite thru to her soul and find out the secret that lies within
fearing that acceptance will no longer be an option
just fearing...that the world will be turn right side up, becuz its already upside down

and she wonders,
it cant be true rite...because God wouldn't put sum1 in a situation that they cant handle
having faith that He won't let her struggle alone but still fearing that this will b the end
He wouldn't send u into a war unprepared
and she knows she lacks the necessities
The armor: confidence

she cries...because she knows that no1 will understand
which is why she asks so many questions just to see if it's even an option to open up
& when she asks...she gets her answer...& it's always the same
though it's still always been a question up until this point

[When she says that's not what she wants...that's exactly what she means
it's not denial...its realization and truth]

in public...
she puts up this front
telling every1 that when God was handing out hearts...he skipped her
she remained cold...& lonely
and even now, tho they think she is breaking out f her shell...shes only just becoming comfortable in front of the people whom she shouldve always been able to run to, but never was

in the new environment...
shes still hiding
wanting very badly to break out and start fresh...but realizing that it will haunt her
realizing she is all alone and that's her fault...for running away
but she couldnt help it...so could yu blame her
she tlks to the only person in this early world that she should be able to talk to...& nothing
no progress
so she puts up another front...for herself
she tries to convince herself that everything is going to be okay when deep down inside
...shes screaming
but in public shes got a smile plastered across her face
words cant even begin to describe how she feels
but flying seems to be her only option...& she debates on taking that way out

behind closed doors...
now shes pondering over how to handle the situation @ hand
she tries to pray about it but finds that praying about sins may not be sucha grand idea...right?
she's still tryna convince herself that that's what she wants out of life
even tho deep down inside...

on the inside...
she's crying now
knowing that one little thing she says could have the biggest effect in the long run

 

Most of my "poems" are an exaggeration of how I really feel at the moment or sometimes just straight up how I feel. This particular "poem" is both hypothetical and literal.

 

This next poem is very similar in subject however completely literal, as well as unfinished and the newest edition to my collection.

 

She wants me to talk to her
but I've never been that big on talking about my problems
not becuz I think people won't understand
mostly because I've just never had anyone to listen
so now that there's someone willing
I guess I'm just caught off guard a little
and I wanna tell her everything there is to know
I wanna let it all out, cry on her shoulder, release all my anger
but that's a side of me no one has ever seen
not even me really
so I'm not comfortable telling my story

she told me I can always call her when I'm having one of those days
that that's what she's there for
but growing that's the part she was never there for
therefore...I don't really know what to tell her

& then there's her...
giving me a shoulder to lean on
I wanted to clear my slate & u handed me a clean one
but I can't write on it in front of you
I'm too ashamed of my past for it to be publicized to you
afraid I mite lose the one thing I've always wanted & finally found...in u

& then there's him...
the love of my life

This last "poem" is again similar in style to the first two poems. It does have a semi depressing theme but it's exactly how I was feeling at the moment that I wrote it.

I feel like all I have left to do is cry
and I hate to admit it but I have feelings and right now they're hurting
my heart is broken
& the tears jus keep rolling
I told myself I would never do this
and now it seems like all I have left to do is die
bcuz I rather be dead than to see the tears running from ur eyes
like black birds running from blue skies
or georgy porgy running from a puddin pie
shit aint supposed to happen...
death
it's the easiest way out...and that's exactly what I'm looking for
I would take a look behind door # 3 or 4
but those arent in my meal plan
so like my coach says, just eat it
take the pitch, let the runner go
let the knife slip, let my blood flow
i mean, losing aint an option, but i opt not to win
cuz that aint on my agenda eitha
so what now, i cant sit back and watch u ruin it
i cant sit back and let u fall, but i cant pick u up eitha
as hard as i try i cant cry for u
i cant grow up for u and do the things u supposed to do
but thats all i wanna do, thats all my heart desires to do
i just want a tiny bit of crack so i can excape this nightmare
@ first it was a dream but now shit aint goin fair
life is foul like every swing u take it jus crosses the line
and u keep tryin but they go ova ya head everytime

like life aint supposed to b this hard
i feel like i constatnly have to put on my guards
and keep them there...shit aint fair
punches thrown left & right
and honestly im not even prepared for this fight
constatnly prayin askin God to guide me right
and somehow i keep finding myself goin left
or findin myself to be the only one left...
im lost...i need help
but you cant trust anyone these days
yet these days i find myself tryna trust everyone
and i keep diggin deeper holes as i try to find the good in everyone
when sumtimes, there just aint no good in none of them
im walkin in fully loaded and comin out empty handed
gettin roobed by amatuer bandits
i need better amour to protect this heart of mine
before it whithers away with time
as i sit back and watch you dig holes
only i wish i were watchin u dig holes...like in the movie
u deserve a second chance, u aint no juvie
we just gotta convince the jury